Monday 21 February 2011

(white) flower


a (white) flower 
folds
into itself
transforms
into sweet blackasnight jetblackjaguar blackberry
striding stealthily
into black night’s blackessence
with barely visible blackasbean blackeyes
sliding smoothly
into black kidney’s blackessence

gracefulvisionary blackwinged watcherfriend
watches carefully
over our world’s wounded,
innocent,
vulnerableandviolated,
pained,
stained,
marked
with darkblot heart spots
removable only by heartfelt utterances of remembrance
removable only by heartfelt utterances of remembrance 
removable only by heartbound alchemical fire
purging,
purifying,
raising immediately
a filthy, choking, grey smoke!
a cleansing fire,
not meant to kill,
simply remove
longheld-longcollected-longaccumulated-stale-banknote-yellowed stains
of pains
inflicted heartlessly
by a – heartless bastid – ‘nother
a – heartless bastid – ‘nother
a heartless bastid!!

© May 2009, Feb 2011

happiness sits at my doorstep


happiness sits at my doorstep,
summons,
yet I remain housebound
stayin’ in for a while longer
until I feel stronger

I realize she, at my doorstep, is elusive
fleeting
she is not mine to possess,
tempted as I am to possess her

[the one I seek, seeks me
she will flow through me
course 
through my veins
intimately
embrace my pains]

my neighbour’s name leaves her lips
frequently;
she calls me too
but not with words
we only exchange pleasantries through my window

suddenly she found the spare key and made her way in!
with wonder and awe,
respect, admiration,
not once mentioning cracks on my walls,
torn carpets and all!

happiness sits at my bedside,
summons,
my heart watches wearily, 
warily,
painfully,
unable
to
reach
out
to
her…

© June 2009, Feb 2011

forgive me please


let us stand in this garden
come
avoid eye contact
where the air is thick
with sentiments unspoken,
rife with remnants of an open wound just re-opened,
oozing, seething with pus,
frustration
from what felt like a knife in your back
that left a deep welt
not unlike a belt
lashed
suddenly at your cheek,
or a thoughtless insult
thrown in your face
like some kind of sick stunt!

the big white elephant
is in the room now
that big white elephant
we choose not to see,
yet tread cautiously!
partly out of surprise at how suddenly it got here,
partly out of hesitation to wake it,
lest it lash out and thrash around!
god forbid it make itself known!

let my words burn this page
lest they reach out and scald you!
i’m hangin’ by a thread yet
i seek not to burn you nor burden you
with white elephant sized pain

forgive me
please?
for hurting you
i was hurting too

© Aug 2009 

Saturday 22 January 2011

zoom zoom

Inspired entirely by tag-lines from late night tv commercials, with a subtle dose of satire...

unprepared

selected lines inspired by various hip-hop artists =)

confronting ugliness, ‘making beautiful’

Is ‘beauty in the eye of the beholder’?  Or is it all around us, whether we choose or are able to appreciate it or not?  Is it subjective or objective?  Particular or universal?  Is it something we’re all capable of appreciating and/or creating?  What is its ultimate source if indeed it has a source!?

The degree to which one is (capable of being) present to beauty varies depending on several factors.  Additionally, the forms through which beauty manifest are infinite - from tangible everyday objects we may take for granted, such as the biodegradable pencil I used to write the draft of this reflection, to intangible melodious sounds resonating from the strings of an acoustic Spanish guitar.

Hold it, a PENCIL beautiful??  How so? 

1. Well, what if the pencil creator's intention was to create an object of beauty? 
2. Ok, but what if regardless of the creator’s intention, someone considers the pencil beautiful?

Is not the source of the creator’s intention the same as that from which one appreciates beauty, i.e. the intellect? Although the intellect is commonly understood narrowly only as one’s rational or thinking capacity, according to ‘Ali ibn-Talib’s (peace be upon him) broad understanding of intellect (‘aql), its capacity is beyond yet comprised of three key dimensions: rational faculty, "moral comportment", and "aesthetic sensibility".  So in addition to the intellect’s capacity for rational thought, it also reflects one’s character (conduct, demeanour, behaviour, becoming), and one’s capacity to sense/appreciate beauty.  The capacity to appreciate beauty, according to this integrated understanding of intellect, is not just a superficial or subjective matter of opinion about whether something is or is not beautiful.  Reza Shah-Kazemi explains, “it is an objective aspect of the function of the intellect.  Beauty also takes one to the heart of ethics”.  Beauty at the heart of ethics??

Ihsãn in Arabic is generally translated as ‘virtue’ or ‘excellence’, however an integral literal meaning is ‘making beautiful’ as the root of ihsãn is husn, which means ‘beauty’. Therefore, ihsãn, pursuing excellence, can be considered as aspiring to ‘make beautiful’.  Not a competitive, comparative or judgmental excellence – as in, I am excellent in relation to you, or I am better than you because I am pursuing excellence and you are not.  The excellence referred to here is a pursuit of excellence for the sake of improving myself in relation to myself, in a way that suits me, for myself and never ever at the expense of another!  I may choose to do so on my own or with others, which then becomes a shared pursuit where we support and encourage each other not compete and try to outdo each other!

Coming back to the pencil, in the 1st case it is an outward manifestation of the creator’s (inner intellectual) intention to make beautiful, to pursue excellence, hence the pencil is by extension also beautiful.  In the 2nd case it is still beautiful, this time by extension of the observer’s (inner intellectual) appreciation of it as such!  For, according to ‘Ali ibn-Talib, “the excellence of the intellect is in the beauty of things outward and inward (jamãl al-zawãhir wa’l-bawãtin)”.  Hence outward beauty (form, action) resonates inward beauty (intention, appreciation, perception).

What if one’s outward actions stem from inner ugliness?  What if one recognizes that one’s actions may be ugly/harmful (to self or others) yet is unaware of the inner source of one’s actions and becomes caught up in a cycle of unhealthy or harmful actions?  What if this inner ugliness is the result of ugly past experience(s)?  Whether or not we are consciously aware of the source of our outward actions and behaviour and whether or not we are consciously aware of any ugly past experiences, neurological (mind) and physiological (body) processes respond to protect us from traumatic situations and people.  Our responses to (and interpretations of) such experiences are formative in shaping our subsequent responses as we continue our journey through life, regardless of whether subsequent situations and/or other people we encounter pose any real threat of harm.  As such, the nature of our responses may very well be to: a) subconsciously shield ourselves from perceived harm OR b) subconsciously inflict harm upon others we perceive as threatening to us even if they are actually not.

This is not to justify anyone’s unhealthy or harmful conduct towards others, it’s merely to point out that we may not always be fully aware of what is shaping our outward actions.  It takes hard work to truly, deeply understand oneself never mind others!  Difficult as this may seem, ultimately each one of us is solely responsible for seeking to understand at the deepest level what drives our behaviour.  What have we experienced and how are we interpreting these experiences?  What pain, hurt, ugliness has our being (body, mind, spirit) locked away in trying to protect us?  How is this impacting our outward actions and behaviour despite our attempts and aspirations to be virtuous, to ‘make beautiful’? 

Are we willing to consider, or at least acknowledge, that perhaps our very own ugliness may be hindering us from ‘making beautiful’ or appreciating beauty inherent in all things? 

Even if the ugliness may have been thrust upon us by another? 

Is it possible to pause and aspire to appreciate or make beautiful rather than rush and react and compete, falling into our unhealthy or harmful cycles? 

Is it possible to leave ugly experiences behind or do they simply manifest in new situations until we learn what we are meant to learn from them?

Is it possible that in our aspiration to make beautiful, to pursue excellence that we polish our intentions and actions such that our ugliness eventually diminishes?

Tuesday 11 January 2011

france



I was fortunate to spend 5 months in Paris in 2004 as an intern at the United Nations Environment Program.  It was the second time in my life moving somewhere completely foreign and different, the first being our family move from Kenya to Canada in 1988.  I wrote this poem a short while after returning to Vancouver from Paris, trying to make sense of my place in the world while negotiating cultural (re)adjustments as well as the end of a romantic relationship.